Happy Valentine's day!
Uch. Valentine's day.
Do you not like Valentine's day?
It's such a consumerist holiday, you know?
Why should you be forced to buy me a present
just because the government told you to?
Right?
You didn't plan anything, did you?
- Nothing big. - Good.
So we walking to school or what?
Uh, yes, uh... Can you just give me one second?
♪ Nothing's bigger than love ♪
♪ Whoa-oh ooh-whoa-oh... ♪
- [record scratching] - Will, shut it all down.
Send the horse back! She doesn't want it!
Send the horse back?
I don't know how to drive this thing!
I'm here for the spectacle!
Here we go.
[Brett Dennen's Comeback Kid [That's My Dog]]
♪ Well, maybe it's the common curse ♪
♪ Maybe things get bad before they get worse ♪
♪ I don't want to become someone ♪
♪ Who can't live up to what I already done, don't ♪
♪ Here comes a comeback ♪
♪ The kid is back, is back on track ♪
♪ And there goes my hero ♪
♪ He's the underdog, he's coming out on top, and ♪
[cheers and applause]
[sniffing]
Oh, hi, Will.
How are you doing? Are you all right?
There was a pancake in my dumbwaiter.
What's going on here?
Well, you know, it's Valentine's day.
It must be especially hard for you, 'cause,
you know, you're obviously alone.
[laughs] Yeah, so these are pity pancakes?
Fiona, I am single by choice.
It's okay, you can wear your heart on your sleeve
- around me. - This is such nonsense.
Let me tell you something. Valentine's day
is the best day of the year to hit on women...
- That's disgusting. - And tonight,
I am going out, and I am bringing the best wingman
this good earth has ever seen,
- TJ! - TJ.
Yo, yo, yo.
That bastion of good life choices.
And we are going to resurrect an old favorite of ours
called "sad cupid."
You know what I'm going to do for you?
I am going to show you how "sad cupid" works.
All right, let's just pretend for a moment.
This is a bar, you are an attractive woman.
Attractive to me, okay?
Oka... never mind, let's just move on, all right.
You're here with your friends, I come up,
I say something like,
hey ladies, how you doing?
Yeah, I really like your tank top.
Anyway, it's kind of a weird night to be at a bar, right?
Yeah, I wasn't going to go out tonight,
but my friend TJ over there, that handsome fella, is just
having a really, really tough time.
Yeah, he got his heart broken. [sighs]
You know, this may seem weird, but would one of you
go over there and buy him a drink?
I just... I want him to believe I.
I keep thinking you can't sink any lower,
and then you do.
I'm sorry, did I just hear threesome?
I'm so flattered, and I'd love to,
but I couldn't do that to TJ.
One of you should go over with him.
And that's the thing, you send the unattractive one over there,
so you can head over there now.
And then I'm speaking to her and we're just vibing it up.
Oh, you live in a sorority? That's fun.
Oh, you have a jacuzzi?
Oh, no, no, no, no. That's... That's okay.
I don't have a bathing suit either.
Ooh.
Wha... what is it?
It's the tooth of a baby gibbon
I befriended in Indonesia.
They're a remarkably romantic species.
They're monogamous. Oh, that's very romantic.
- Yeah. - I'll treasure it forever,
thank you.
- [baby cries] - Oh, my Goddess.
That's my doula ring.
- Calliope is in labor. - Your first baby being born.
And on Valentine's day! How magical!
I've got to get to the hospital.
Okay, okay, let's go.
Wait, I... oh.
Shea's coming over to see Marcus... I've gotta call Will.
No, no, no, hold on. I can watch them.
Really?
I'd love the opportunity to bond with him.
Oh... You're a wonderful, remarkable man.
Bup-bup-bup. Now go.
Assist a nurse in assisting a doctor in assisting a woman
into bringing a child into this world.
Wait, here, in case she doesn't like the uke.
No offense but, I mean, who doesn't like a uke?
Well...
- happy Valentine's day. - Happy Valentine's day.
Me and Marcus. I got this, I got this.
[doorbell rings]
Hey, Shea, happy day just like any other day.
Hey, Shea, nice to see you outside of detention.
Great, a teacher.
It's gonna be a rockin' Friday night.
You'll barely know he's here.
He'll be invisible.
I got a great idea, guys.
Can you give me
- just one minute... I'm sorry. - Again?
This is supposed to be my first in-house date,
and you're really c-blocking me here.
- Excuse me? - A cuddle block.
Will calls me it all the time.
I just... I want to cuddle and watch a movie.
Look, I promised your mom I'd supervise.
Okay, you need to give me some breathing room.
- I am choking here. - Okay.
I get it. I'll, uh... I'll be in the kitchen
if anybody needs me.
So what are we doing?
Well, I was thinking maybe we could watch a movie?
My mom has a collection of black and white
British garden comedies of manners from the 1930s.
Those are always a hoot.
That's what you have planned for tonight?
Well, you said you didn't want to do anything special, so...
Whatever. I don't care what we do.
You know, I'm sensing some angry-type vibes
coming from you. Are you mad about something?
Nope.
- Well, good, because... - Could you just stop talking?
Your voice is making me want to tear my ears out.
[mouthing word] Okay.
[background music] [chatter]
- Hi. - Hi there.
- What can I get you? - Okay, uh...
Well, I'll have what the lovely lady here is having.
That's a cranberry appletini, extra cherries.
- That's what you want? - That sure is.
It's my favorite beverage.
- Is it? - Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Still feeling good about that drink?
- Yep. - Okay.
Well, I put extra, extra cherries in just for you.
Great. [mutters] Fine.
So drink it.
That is... [grunts] Quite sweet.
- Thank you. - Mmhmm.
Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!
Hey, hey, hey! TJ is in the house!
There are a lot of good-looking girls here tonight,
and I for one am ready to get my "sad cupid" on.
You know, Will, I find "sad cupid" to be a little immature.
Immature? You have a dog named Mr. Crapsalot.
Sir Crapsalot, and there's been a change of plans.
- What? - There's someone very special
I want you to meet.
Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour.
- Hello. - Will, this is Chloe.
She is from France, and I met her on the way over here.
[whispers] And I'm pretty sure she's the one.
How's that appletini going down?
- It's going great. - Yeah?
Thank you, yeah.
Give me another one. Make it a double.
- You got it. - More cherries, too.
Uh-huh.
What are you doing, man?
I am feeling feelings that I have never felt before, Will.
I mean, I know that we just met. This girl understands me.
Or that could just be the language barrier.
I'm really happy for you, bud, but we had our whole "sad cupid"
thing going on. Now you're all coupled up.
What am I supposed to do?
Well, I'm so sorry that happy cupid
has bit me in the ass so hard.
I've seen this whole "feelings" thing,
and there is no turning back, man.
Before you know it, you're gonna have a house, a kid, a dog.
Do you think she would get a dog with me?
Lady Crapsalot?
Look, just do one sad cupid, and then you can go.
One round of sad cupid.
- One. - Right now.
- Okay. - Get sad.
Little bit sadder.
Okay, that's too much.
Hey, can I get a water, please? Thanks.
Sorry to interrupt. I just feel like this is...
This is such a weird night to be out, you know?
I was supposed to stay in, but then I gotta cheer my buddy up.
- I don't know. - How come?
Oh, well, uh...
He's gonna kill me for saying this, but...
What happened was his fiancee just broke off their engagement,
and he's just...
Oh, God, it kills me, he's heartbroken.
Whoo, on Valentine's day, of all days.
- What are the odds? - Yeah, what are the odds?
It's just so horrible, and uh, it wasn't just a breakup,
she cheated on him with his brother.
- [whispers] Twin brother. - That's awful.
Maybe she just couldn't tell them apart.
No, they're fraternal, so that's not what happened,
but thanks for your input. Anyway,
he's such a sensitive guy, you know?
He's really romantic and it's Valentine's day,
and it's just tearing him up.
You're a really good friend.
Stop it, no, I'm just doing what anyone would do, you know?
Anyway, I feel like I'm bringing the energy down.
Can I buy you guys a drink? What are you guys...
What are you drinking?
Cherry cosmopolitans with extra sugar on the rim.
Yes, extra sugar, and take extra time making them.
Yeah, you got it.
You know, this may seem a little bit forward or weird,
but maybe one of you could go over there and just talk to him,
maybe try to cheer him up a little bit?
On the way over he was saying how
he doesn't know if he'll ever love again.
Said something about closing his heart off forever.
I think he changed his mind.
Drink up!
[man in movie] You didn't tell me
the Vicar was coming.
We're going to be the laughingstock of the village!
- [knocking on door] - 'Ello, it's me, the Vicar!
- [laugh track] - It's always nutty
when the Vicar comes.
Yeah, nutty.
I'll be right back.
This is a disaster of epic proportions.
What happened?
- I need Will. - Oh, no, no, no... I can help.
I'm excellent in disasters. You know, last year I brought
joy to a small African village that was ravaged by dysentery...
Okay, do I look like a guy
who has time for fricking fairy tales?
Fairy tale? It happened last year.
Will? Will, I need your help.
Valentine's day is a disaster.
No, I'm kind of busy right now, buddy.
Shea said, "don't do anything for Valentine's day,"
so I didn't. But now she's here,
and she seems really mad.
S- oh, boy.. Classic girl behavior,
the old "I hate Valentine's day" routine.
- I am so confused. - Just trust me,
it's best to just have presents on you at all times.
I don't have anything. I'm screwed!
Marcus, I can help, if you'd like.
- Shh! - All right, well, you've come
to the right guy. Take a deep breath.
I want you to go through the dumbwaiter,
up my stairs to my bedroom.
Marcus!
In my closet on the left, there are three drawers, okay?
This is my present closet. It's for emergencies
just like this.
You have a closet full of presents, Will?
Presents from groupies, presents for groupes,
swag, stuff like that. Oh, wait, wait... hey, Marcus?
Do not... I repeat... do not open the top drawer, okay?
Under any circumstances, no top drawer.
Okay, TJ, no, no, no, hold on! Marcus, I gotta go.
- So I can take anything? - You know what, Marcus?
I'm not sure any of this stuff is right.
Do not open the top drawer! I could get arrested.
Okay, bye, Will.
Alligator? No.
[muttering]
- What's this? - Ah! Okay, then.
Let's... let's put this away. All right.
- We're gonna get out of here. - No, no, TJ!
Yeah, sorry, man, but Chloe is really tired, it's jet lag.
That just means you're going to have sex.
- Bye, sad cupid. - Bye.
You don't even know what that means.
Yo!
I see.
- Sympathy pour. - Mmhmm.
That was, just so you know, not my best game, okay?
My wingman takes off... just, don't judge me based on that.
- Okay? - Hey, I get it.
Come to the bar on Valentine's day,
the easiest day of the year to pick up desperate women.
"Maybe me and my buddy Will do a little routine.
We call it 'sad Valentine.'"
"sad cupid," thank you very much.
Oh, excuse me.
You know what? I'm gonna help you out.
- What are you doing? - Just let it happen, sad cupid.
Whoa. Thank you very much.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
- She wants me to go over there. - Sit down.
She has guys bringing her drinks and coming over to hit on her
all night. You're gonna stay put,
and make her come to you.
Trust me. I know things.
[whispers] What?
Whoa, no one's ever given me a Teddy bear before.
I know you said you didn't want anything
for Valentine's day, but I, uh,
I wanted to get you something anyway.
Kinda thought you weren't going to.
What should I name it?
I know. Pasty. [chuckles]
"Press here for message."
No, uh, don't play that...
Uh, right now.
I mean, you can save it for later.
Woman's voice: Hi, Will, it's Jade.
Happy Birthday. I wuv you and I want you.
Can't wait to see you tonight, honey bear.
You re-gifted this present. You just stole it from Will's.
Let's see if you wuv having no head.
- [voice running down] - Hi, Will, it's Jade.
Happy Birthday... [deep so-mo voice]
I'll be right back.
Yeah, so in love. Yeah, see that? Totally.
- Yeah. - Okay, do them.
All right. That's a first date,
and she's about to try to fake a phone call so she can leave.
What? She's totally into him.
No, she's not. She's faking it.
You are so wrong, I feel sorry for you.
All right.
Oh, my God. You're totally right, she just...
How do you... how do you do that, honestly?
It's all in the body language, my friend.
You're like a drunk people clairvoyant.
I just spend a lot of time watching people
hit on other people. It becomes pretty clear.
That's incredible. That's incredible.
You should get a reality show or something.
Must make you kind of jaded, though.
Oh, totally. But, you know,
sometimes people turn out to be better than you thought.
Sometimes they do, don't they?
I have a 12-year-old.
And two jobs. All of that while
trying to finish my college degree, so, trust me.
You're not interested.
I'm just having a drink at a bar here.
Hey. Thanks for that drink.
- I'm Katie. - Hi, yea.
Yeah, you're welcome.
I kind of kept waiting for you to come over.
I'm actually heading out right now, so...
I'm meeting up with some friends.
Would you want to catch up with us?
- Since I owe you a drink. - Oh, um...
Uh, yeah, that sounds cool.
We're going to be going to club 41,
and it's a cat party.
Club 41, and it's a cat party. Got it, yeah.
I actually... I love cat parties.
All right.
What the hell is a cat party?
- [laughs] - Please?
They hold them at that club once a month.
It's like a regular party, but you can't get in unless
you're dressed like a cat.
Stop it right now. You're messing with me.
- Nope, I'm not. - Don't mess with me.
I'm not, and I know, because at 1:00 am,
a bunch of college kids stumble in here like cats,
all whiskers and desperation.
What have I got myself into? Okay, cat party?
Cat costume? I can do this.
- Have fun. - Thank you.
Hey, uh...
What would you have...
What would you have said about me?
What do you mean?
You know, the game we were playing, analyzing people,
you know, why they're at the bar.
What would you have said about me?
Oh, well, just that you've had your heart broken.
- What? Why? - Well, 'cause,
otherwise you wouldn't be hitting on 22-year-olds
when everyone around you is grown up.
But, hey, I'm just guessing. What do I know, right?
Okay, I am going to go procure a cat costume.
It was very nice to meet you...
- Liz. - Nice to meet you, Liz.
Marcus, talk to me.
She hated the Teddy bear I gave her.
Well, look, maybe what you're looking for
isn't in Will's present closet.
Of course it is.
Will's present closet has literally everything.
Do you think shea would like a fish?
Of course she wouldn't like a fish... fish aren't romantic!
I'm gonna have to go to the top drawer.
No, Marc... all right. Here, Marcus, stand up.
- What? - Listen.
I may not be Will, but I do have some experience
with this sort of thing.
You don't want to give Shea just any old gift,
'cause she's not just any old girl.
She's unique and special, and so the gift that you give her,
well, that also has to be unique and special.
You gotta put some thought into this.
I don't have time to go to a store and get her something
- unique and special! - Listen to me.
Deep cleansing breath, right now.
[breathes in deeply]
[exhales] [coughs]
Go downstairs, tell her you need 10 minutes.
You got this. Go, go, go, go.
Okay.
All right, third drawer.
Unsee, unsee, unsee.
[loud electronic dance music]
- You made it! - Yeah, I did.
- Awesome. - This is, uh, crazy.
Yeah. This is Michelle.
- Hey, Michelle. - Sarah.
- Hey, Sarah. - And Jess.
- Hey, Jess. - Can I buy you a drink?
Uh, no, I'll buy the drinks.
No, I owe you a drink.
Besides, my dad pays my credit card bills,
so it totally doesn't even matter.
It doesn't... doesn't... Doesn't matter.
Oh! Watch it.
- Sorry, bro. - It's okay, man.
Dude, can you just dance maybe a little bit over there?
You want to dance?
Yeah, yeah, I love to dance.
Could we just get away from garfield?
He's a little bit of a douche.
- What? - Garfield's a douche!
Who's garfield?
Ah, never mind.
Isn't this awesome?
- Yeah. - What'd you say, what?
Yeah, it's awesome!
Hey!
[pounding electronic music]
Shea?
What?
I realize the Teddy bear was a terrible gift,
so I've prepared something else for you,
in honor of the first time we met.
If you recall, you blasted Anarchy in the U.K.
over the P.A. system, and while I quivered in fear,
I also thought you were the coolest person I'd ever met.
So please enjoy this chocolate banana milkshake,
your favorite,
and the performance you're about to see.
Mr. Chris? I now give you Marcus Bowa,
presenting his version of Anarchy in the U.K.
[music starts]
♪ I am an anti-Christ-ah ♪
♪ I am an anarchist-ah ♪
♪ Don't know what I want, but I know how to get it ♪
♪ I wanna destroy the passerby ♪
♪ 'Cause I wanna be ♪
♪ An anarchist ♪
♪ Destroy ♪
[panting]
That was so stupid.
Stupid in a good way?
I guess. [chuckles]
[laughs]
- Oh, hi, mom. - Nice one, little punk.
Thanks. Mr. Chris helped.
Is it okay if we go to my room?
I want to show Shea the music video.
We copied it directly. I think we did pretty good.
Yeah. Door's open, though.
Of course. My room gets stuffy otherwise.
- Thanks, Mr. Chris. - Any time.
How was it?
It was amazing.
I mean, the doctor asked me to leave the room
quite a few times. He didn't like the flute
or the ukulele, really.
Thanks for looking after Marcus, and...
Sorry we didn't get to spend Valentine's day together.
Well, there's still two hours left.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Flute and uke jam sesh?
You are a wondrous and romantic man.
Happy Valentine's day.
Uh... Is Liz still here?
- Hello. - Hey.
What happened with the cat party?
Uh, well... I'm more of a dog party guy.
- Oh. - Yeah.
So, what are you doing here?
Well, uh... I just wanted to tell you that
don't let it go over your head, but...
- You were right. - Hmmm.
I did have my heart broken.
So, uh...
Guess I'm the guy here at 1:00 A.M.,
all whiskers and desperation.
You still have some whiskers.
Sync and corrections by madhatters www.addic7ed.com